The earth will never stop spinning for anyone. Based on this alone, it has suddenly dawned upon me that life moves on at an incredibly fast pace that sometimes, somethings can be so unexpected and unbelievably interesting. I can't remember when was my last update and even if it seems to be pretty recent, it has been a while ever since I updated. I guess I was just lazy and there was nothing for me to share. Its been a while and lots of things has happened ever since my last post. I got over it. Perhaps all I needed was just the courage to take the step out and realise that there are so many other choices awaiting. I got to know a girl recently, don't ask me who, don't ask me how, but I just got to know this girl. It was pretty random and I must say that at first, I had no confidence, no courage and no belief that we would become friends but well, she was far more sociable than I was, I guess, that made it simpler.

I acknowledge that there was this budding interest I had for her, and it kind of developed a little too quickly for me. I guess I'm so used to plunging into relationships after relationships that I seldom take a step back and think. It was good at first, it felt nice, but subsequently, I was a bit too impatient I guess. Now, things look a bit low, they look a bit on the downside and I constantly blame myself for my stupidity at the way I've handled it. Perhaps if I've given it s little more time, it wouldn't have ended up this way? Life's just like that, there are choices you make that will affect you for the rest of your life..
You give my life a brand new start...
5:43:00 PM

I wonder if anyone actually still reads my blog. I don't know what's with this "I wished someone would know and shower some care" mentality but I guess I just wanted to feel like I was still important, some way some how. At the last college class meet up, I met andrea and it was so long before I met her again even though we're in the same school and we're both staying in hall! There were lots to say and I must admit that each time I meet her, she gives me this warm fuzzy feeling, this feeling that tells me that she cares, she really does. I don't know if she cares for me because she used to crush on me or if its just her! I told her how I really felt about this relationship and how this time, the same girl who went through so much with me and gave me so much confidence in myself could actually tear me down and bring me back to the starting line. Andrea said one thing that made me really, really touched. She said, you're a piece of treasure and trust me, you will definitely find a better girl.

That was more than just a word of assurance to me, it made me realised how she has thought of me all this while. And perhaps, there's at least this one girl who actually thinks i'm a piece of treasure after all. 3 months have past for 2010 and it has been 5 months since we broke up. Its been amazing that having thought we couldn't live a day without each other, its already been 5 months. Even up till now, I ask myself before I sleep, "Have I made the right choice in letting her go?". I still cannot come to terms with how someone who keeps telling you that, you have loved her for who she is and not what she is, told you how much she cannot live without you, went through almost all the ups and downs in your 2 years in school could actually leave without a word. Perhaps I'll never understand what she's thinking. One thing for sure, I think she would never regret this decision about ending our relationship. One day when I've moved on and look back at all these, i do hope that I can smile and tell myself that at least I've made an impact in her life.

The school term is coming to an end very soon and once it does, I guess I wouldn't even have the chance to see her anymore. Often, I'd like to sit by the bus window and stare as the scenery pass by and reflect on the things that has happened in my life thus far. I would always ask myself questions about life, fate and all things incomprehensible. You see, we met in 2007 as OG mates and our paths crossed. Took a chance and got together before our paths went parallel again last year. This time I guess, all's up to fate. If only one day, I could understand what "HE" has in plan for me. Life can be a little easier if only I knew how I could make the best out of it. Companionship or love? Its time I figured this out.
You give my life a brand new start...
3:45:00 PM

I cannot understand why I am feeling this way when I can choose to let it go and move on with my life. I constantly worry about her and I constantly think of her, I just cannot understand what charm she has on me. I guess it may just be the worry and the fear of not being able to find someone else that will be better than she is, I guess its all the fear of having to go through the entire process of knowing her family and building that familiarity. All of which I have gone through for the past two years have gone to waste. There has been lots of things happening over this past month and life has been so hectic I never really had the time to sit down and think. CNY felt so different this year without grandma around and having lost that her too, it felt all the more pathetic when I went down with a crazy bout of food poisoning on the first night of CNY! I couldn't sleep in peace and I vomited every hourly till my chest hurts like crazy, the diarrhoea got my stomach empty and I spent the next one day sleeping in bed! It was not before long that I realised that I shrunk and became skinnier.

Her messages came asking if I was keen on celebrating cookie's birthday. I planned to mail her cookie's gift and left it that way because I didn't know if I was ready to meet her. I was expecting her not to contact me considering that we've not been talking for a while. But, I eventually said yes to meeting her. I cannot describe how much I missed her and cookie. Don't bother asking if I missed the former more, because I don't know either! The trip was fun and its been a long time I had so much fun running around with cookie and seeing her so happy too. She said she loved the present I got for cookie and she even asked pei pei how I was doing when they meet in the evening for their dance reunion dinner. I wish I knew how she really felt deep down, I wished I could read her mind and know what she's thinking. What is it that god has in store for me? I feel so lost, I feel so depressed. I am not wallowing in self pity but its just sad to know that this person who felt so strongly for you has gone, for good..

Please, please just let me stay strong.......Even if she does find a new guy, let her not be bullied...
You give my life a brand new start...
2:26:00 AM

Unbelievably yesterday was the 24th and it felt just like any other day. Even when my roomie asked if I was feeling emo or anything, I was surprised that I wasn't. There are times where I miss her, there are times I asked myself why things could take such a drastic turn and leave me baffled but I guess there are never answers for everything. With that mentality, the only way to convince myself is that when a person changes, he/she changes. 3 months have passed and friends have been urging me to move on, no doubt I haven't exactly been able to leave everything aside and walk on, but I guess I've made a big leap myself. This has been one of my most fulfilling r'ships and I've never thought that it would have taken such a crazy twist close to the end of my life in university. We're still young, no doubts about that and perhaps like how many people will put it, you just haven't met the right one. BUT tell me what makes you think he/she is YOUR right one?? Perhaps its just this thing about myself and even my brother that we want a clear cut answer. Grey areas are just so neither here nor there. I can't wait to see how things unfold in the future......... I just can't wait..
You give my life a brand new start...
12:05:00 PM

Been missing for a moment and its already 2010! School has started and it feels totally different now in week 2. I don't know how different it feels to her, but its totally a new experience going to school and not having my phone beeping through lessons or breaks. Its so different to be roaming around north spine and not having to meet her at the south spine. Life takes some getting used to. Met up with her twice and asked her if we could see a second chance together and she rejected me. She seems like a total stranger now and I feel so weird when I see her around. No doubt I still feel for her, I still worry for her but sometimes its just weird knowing all has changed... School term has started and there is suddenly so many things I'm thinking of all at the same time. I wish I could sort them out and clear them one by one. Sometimes I don't even know what's that bloody thought at the back of my mine..... What do I really want?? I am trying to work towards what I want in life. That's what she wanted too when we ended off......HELP ME......
You give my life a brand new start...
3:14:00 AM

I just wanted to post this before I forget.....

- a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing.
- you are not to shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find and keep. The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it.
- there is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.
You give my life a brand new start...
7:17:00 PM

The past few days leading up to Sunday were crazy. I guess I really just missed her and needed to meet her badly and I did the unfathomable. I decided to bring cookie out. I knew I missed cookie too but if someone had ever asked if cookie was just an excuse, I would really say I don't know. That's the honest truth. We had long talks on our trip out together and I am pretty glad it wasn't awkward for us. Its just so amazing how much things changes when a couple becomes platonic friends. Where was the love we both shared? Amazing! Nights become exceptionally long when I think of her. It really sucks to know she still means a deal to me. It hurts even more knowing that she has clean forgotten about every single thing about us. No regrets at all? Perhaps I was a plain lousy boyfriend. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Was I even her 1st relationship? It felt more like the other way around. Even after meeting her on Sunday, I couldn't tell if meeting her was the right thing to do. But I know that I was happy to see her then. Everything else didn't matter. Last night, my friends and I went to catchThe Storm Warriors in the evening. I knew I hated the night because it becomes exceptionally long and cold. I started to think of us and I was simply very sad because she could just forget everything and not feel that tinge of sadness. I believe that what I had done for her would suffice for some form of recognition right? In any case, this close friend of mine talked to me on the bus ride home and I finally saw what they meant by saying leading a better life without her. I guess I was just too caught up with so many things or the way they had talked to me about us that I simply did not digest what they had told me the last time around. Today, I will tell myself that I will move on and that what was between us are now just memories I can keep. She will feel the loss and regret one day, and one day she feels that way, I have already moved on..... This time I must learn to love myself first.....
You give my life a brand new start...
11:42:00 AM