I cannot understand why I am feeling this way when I can choose to let it go and move on with my life. I constantly worry about her and I constantly think of her, I just cannot understand what charm she has on me. I guess it may just be the worry and the fear of not being able to find someone else that will be better than she is, I guess its all the fear of having to go through the entire process of knowing her family and building that familiarity. All of which I have gone through for the past two years have gone to waste. There has been lots of things happening over this past month and life has been so hectic I never really had the time to sit down and think. CNY felt so different this year without grandma around and having lost that her too, it felt all the more pathetic when I went down with a crazy bout of food poisoning on the first night of CNY! I couldn't sleep in peace and I vomited every hourly till my chest hurts like crazy, the diarrhoea got my stomach empty and I spent the next one day sleeping in bed! It was not before long that I realised that I shrunk and became skinnier.

Her messages came asking if I was keen on celebrating cookie's birthday. I planned to mail her cookie's gift and left it that way because I didn't know if I was ready to meet her. I was expecting her not to contact me considering that we've not been talking for a while. But, I eventually said yes to meeting her. I cannot describe how much I missed her and cookie. Don't bother asking if I missed the former more, because I don't know either! The trip was fun and its been a long time I had so much fun running around with cookie and seeing her so happy too. She said she loved the present I got for cookie and she even asked pei pei how I was doing when they meet in the evening for their dance reunion dinner. I wish I knew how she really felt deep down, I wished I could read her mind and know what she's thinking. What is it that god has in store for me? I feel so lost, I feel so depressed. I am not wallowing in self pity but its just sad to know that this person who felt so strongly for you has gone, for good..

Please, please just let me stay strong.......Even if she does find a new guy, let her not be bullied...
You give my life a brand new start...
2:26:00 AM