Its been a long time I find it hard to express how I really feel inside. The feeling sucks totally and well, its called living up to reality. I have been keeping quiet the whole of today and I just felt like keeping to myself. I badly wanna talk to someone to just let go of my emotions. I should have a control over myself, after all, I am all grown up and I've been through the worst of my 21 years so far, THE NS experience. Living up to reality really just sucks sometimes. I guess I don't need to be reminded that I am not as good looking as my mates or whatsoever. I just want to be an average guy. I don't really care if I am that good looking or if anyone thinks I am not. I am happy the way I am. I just don't like to keep quiet and and act like the whole world owes me something but perhaps, I really, really don't know what can make me feel better.....

Chengjie made me laugh just now and really, he's always making me laugh. He's probably someone who has such an impact on me to become a GL. hmmm..i wish i could pullmyself outta this shithole! crap!
You give my life a brand new start...
2:31:00 AM

I simply enjoy terrorizing my seniors, especially Daryl. Is that how you spell it? Daryl! I know you read my blog, so can you just let me know how you actually manage to find your way here! In any case, I went down with the rest of the junior Dragon boaters to the 3rd International SAVA Sprints at the Lower Seletar Reservoir on Saturday. It was the 1st time I have ever been to a Dragon boat race, not to mention, to support my school in the race. It was definitely an eye opener and an interesting experience. Not only did it manage to spur my interest in the sport, it also made me excited about it. But I seriously doubt my chances of getting into dragon boat. The reason being, there are like 35 juniors and according to what the captain has said, only about 20 will be selected to join the team and the rest, rejected... There are many ex-rowers amongst the group of 35 and to top it up, there are many others who are physically stronger than I am. Yes! attitude counts, the mentality counts, but we cannot deny that having a group of already physically well-built and physically stronger paddlers will definitely make the task of 'leveling' them up easier.

And finally, I am feeling much better having rested the whole of last week and missing the trainings, which I believe is going to affect the impression of me amongst the seniors. But if they choose to believe that I am trying to 'siam' training, then there is no way I can change their mentality. In any case, I went to see a doctor on wednesday and I am pretty sure that the doctor is probably gay! He made me sit on the bed and asked me to take off my top. Just as I have lifted it up, I asked again, "Do I have to take the whole thing off?". His answer was a firm yes.

I was pretty puzzled 'cos doctors usually lift your tops to listen to your heartbeats wad, I have never been to one who wants you to take off your top! Well, that was just the beginning.... Next, he made me lie back and asked me if I felt pain in my groin! Well, obviously no, 'cos, only my tonsils are feeling sore and my throat with the occasional headaches thats all. And so, he made me unzip and pressed my pelvic bone, then, he asked again if I felt pain in the groin area. Again, the answer was no. He then asked a casual question, "Are you studying now? What School?". To which I answered, "Yes, NTU!".

Believing that its the end of my consultation, I was about to get dressed with him walking away, he suddenly turned and asked, " Have you had sex b4? Oral Sex?!?" That really scared the shit outta me, 'cos I was feeling rather defenceless with my top off and my shorts unzipped, but good thing, it all ended there and the doc actually told me that I may have had STDs or HIV, hence the questions that follow! I was going....oH....what the..... Seriously, thats like the most memorable incident at the doc's I will ever have. (Pssst....It was my 1st time at the clinic anyways.....)



You give my life a brand new start...
12:38:00 PM

Just suddenly had this urge to 'pen' something on my blog before my lecture. School's been pretty hard to cope so far. The tutors sometimes speak 'spanish' or even 'german'. Its been torturing trying to decipher what they are trying to tell us. But nevertheless, friends are always there to back you up. The Continual Assessments are coming up next week and then the long awaited recess week before a mad frenzy for school starts again. That is my life now, a far cry from the mindless 'chiong-ing' and overnight missions in NS, but the kind of stress is definitely different.

On a lighter note, I have been wondering why I always lack that little bit of self confidence to make things happen. Perhaps I've had too many good looking friends around me, or perhaps the way people make remarks about you. There is seriously no way you can control what they think and there is simply no point at all in changing what they think of you. But in any case, I need some serious ego boosting! Its just a thin line between arrogance and being confident. Hmmm..... I need to boost my ego, my self confidence and inflate some pride into myself! LOL....smile smile smile.. Today will be a better day than yesterday!

I am not gay k...! =D
You give my life a brand new start...
10:46:00 AM

I was supposed to blog this afternoon when I fell asleep in my room. I have been falling sick ever since school started, on and off. Its not sick as in sickly sick, but just common flu, cold and fever. I was pretty amazed when Daryl told me that he knows my blog address 'cos I've never expected someone from dragon boat to know, not to mention a senior! But in any case, I should clarify, I am perfectly straight and am not gay! I just envy and enjoy looking at cute and good looking guys. I just think that its god's gift that someone can be so good looking and save for the few like us who don't look as good, probably god has something else in store for us too. I am not gay, I am probably more sensitive and sentimental than most guys and that makes me more 'girl', but I prefer to make my feelings known 'cos in any case, I don't see why guys cannot be sensitive.

The number of people turning up for World Lunch is diminishing, but i guess it all takes effort to meet up too. I miss the outings Eski had in the 1st few weeks, I missed staying out and talking on SADM, but i think, this is all part and parcel of moving on. Everyone is just too busy with their own stuffs and now that we are all embarking on a new journey, life in University is something so different that it takes time to get used to.

Perhaps I have done the wrong thing today. I shouldn't have asked you what I have asked. But in any case, I am glad I know what's on your mind. I should sleep already! nites peeps!


You give my life a brand new start...
12:39:00 AM

I just realised I actually hit the 'New Post' button while I was waiting for my blog to load. Just had dinner and I am feeling super drowsy already. Today's dragonboat training again and I must say, the seniors are really nice people. Minus the not so nice training stations, the training is really pretty enjoyable sometimes. Although you feel the pain, you find the going tough, butI still remember what zhiyuan told me. This is something he saw while he was running some marathon... Effort is not effort until you feel pain? Is that the correct phrase? In any case, it has to be something along that line. During trainings, there are times where I will ask myself why I actually would put myself through such a painful process, but I guess, when I look back, I would know that at least, I have done something that I can be proud about. It doesn't mean I will definitely be in the team, but at least, I am part of the team! LOL

As much as the heart says go.. The mind tells me that I should stop. I should think about it carefully...

You give my life a brand new start...
10:02:00 PM

I was just about to sleep whilst I was pondering some stuffs. I always get myself troubled thinking of some stuffs which are simply irrelevant or some stuffs where I simply won't be able to find the answer. Let us face this one thing that I can't get off my mind all the time. Superficiality! Are we all superficial? Ask me the same question and I will tell you, "Yes! I am superficial!" But it all depends to what extend exactly. I prefer to blog and let myself reflect on all the silly things I think about and of course to vent my frustration or just hoping someone will just lend a listening ear. I know that all my friends are concerned about me! Especially, Xb who's always my blog's avid reader and sometimes, it really warms my heart seeing the tags you guys leave behind.

When I was with my Ex, I used to ask myself, "How can you tell if a couple is compatible?" . The reason being, many people says that I was damn lucky to have been with her, but have anyone ever wondered what defines "lucky to have her"?? Isn't she 'lucky' not to have gotten the typical playboy? Isn't she 'lucky' that I have not played with her feelings?? Isn't she 'lucky' to have gotten me instead of some bastard? What actually defines 'lucky'? To the many people out there, I am 'lucky' simply because she is pretty! So? No offense to anyone, but to the many happy couples out there, it doesn't really matter if he/she is good-looking or pretty enough! Lets stop being critical about how a pretty girl ends up with a not so good-looking or vice versa! The bottom line is, there is no good enough or not good enough for each other! I want to be reminded constantly that it doesn't mean that if you are not good looking, you are not good enough for that girl! Kick my ass whenever I mention that shit again!

Let us learn to appreciate the heart more than just the looks......

-I'm just being emo.....-

You give my life a brand new start...
12:34:00 AM